


All I Wanted was You

by Fictionarism



Category: Haikyuu!!, ハイパープロジェクション演劇「ハイキュー!!」| Hyper Projection Play "Haikyuu!!" RPF
Genre: Boys' Love, F/M, Gen, Hanahaki Disease, M/M, Major Character Injury, Major Character Undeath, One-Sided Attraction, One-Sided Relationship, Tsukishima Kei & Yamaguchi Tadashi Friendship, Tsukishima Kei is Bad at Feelings, TsukkiYama Month
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-12
Updated: 2020-10-12
Packaged: 2021-03-08 01:07:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 11
Words: 16,722
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26963407
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fictionarism/pseuds/Fictionarism
Relationships: Hinata Shouyou/Kageyama Tobio, Hinata Shouyou/Yachi Hitoka, Kozume Kenma/Kuroo Tetsurou, Kuroo Tetsurou/Tsukishima Kei, Shimizu Kiyoko/Tanaka Ryuunosuke, Tsukishima Kei/Yamaguchi Tadashi, Yachi Hitoka/Yamaguchi Tadashi
Kudos: 11





	1. Chapter 1 : Worst Thing Happens

*beep, beep, beep* crawling to the other side of the bed to reach my alarm clock to turn it off

  
"ugh" I lay back in my bed and look at the ceiling and remember what I just dream. Lots of scenery flash in my mind and glare at the ceiling. It was an awful nightmare... Really awful. I hate it... I wonder why I have it but I wish it won't happen 

  
Shaking away the bad feelings, I get off the bed and start my morning routine until I'm done and lock the door of my house. While walking on the road, I can't help but remember again my nightmare. 

  
_I wish that it won't happen and I really pray hard for it_

  
Time to start another day in Karasuma Publishing Company... Entering the company, I saw some familiar faces and get on elevator to get on my office floor. While I'm on the elevator, I heard the talk of the three person infront of me... Its about The Hanahaki Disease, they said a famous Actor caught suffering from it

  
Well, it's normal nowadays... People nowadays are grateful from dying Peacefully but, they are scared to die from the Hanahaki and decide to remove it... it's a deadly disease that everyone hates but yearn for it, that was cause by unrequited love

  
Getting off the elevator, I quickly walk away there, and get into my office and greet everyone I pass. putting my things in my desk, then see the photo of mine and my childhood friend in a volleyball court, I can't avoid but smile

  
It's been seven years, since we graduated from our high school and we work on the same company now, I'm still stuck with him... Its not that I want to be separate from him though, just thought of not seeing him in a minute kills me

  
And for that seven years, I've been hiding something from him. All this time, I have feelings for the salty guy that is infront of me right now glaring at the computer

  
"what are you doing, Tsukki?"

  
"that stupid short walking mandarin, was so stupid and had a lot of typo and even use some wrong words in here and now Chief Sawamura makes me fix this cause that stupid little shit are having his lunch right now" he was mad typing in that little keyboard and oozing a dark aura by glaring at the screen

  
_My condolence on that keyboard_

  
I just mind my business and do my stuff as their proofreader. This day was really fun, I hope it won't end or nothing bad will happen... I wish time stop but when I look at my clock, it's already lunch time

  
I just finish my work and go to ask Tsukki to have lunch with me but I can't help and bite my lower lips for the fear he might get angry... But I expect already on what he said about it

  
"nee, Tsukki, wanna grab lunch together?"

  
"I still have work... Go ahead" he said without even looking at me... Though it hurts but I just smile and nod at him then go. I know, that he will say that... But I expect for another answer from him 

  
Sometimes, I wonder what am I to Tsukki? He treat me like a friend, then became salty and sometimes say some sweet words that end me falling for him more, he protect me and do something that makes me expect something that I shouldn't cause if think it so deep in the end I'm the one who will get hurt

  
I just invite Hitoka and Kageyama for the lunch and we go to the nearest restaurant here and spend the rest of our lunch time there

  
"hey Kageyama, where is Hinata? He's not with you, why is that? I always see you two together" Hitoka ask boredly Kageyama who's immediately get grumpy when she mention Hinata's name and squeeze really hard the box of milk he was drinking

  
"that boke got kidnapped by the seniors in the other department and sneak him out without asking me... I'm gonna kill him later" He was oozing a lot of dark aura and it's really uncomfortable

  
He keep on talking about Hinata and even curse his name and call him by many names... I get pity on the food cause he stab it with fork really hard. It was like, He was about to murder someone...

  
_I wonder, why Hinata fell in love to this guy,_

  
I know somethings going with this two, it's just so obvious even they denied it infront of us... Hinata was like a care-free boyfriend and Kageyama always get worried but he show his care by scolding him

  
Looking at the tea in front of me and show my reflection... I can see the sadness in my eyes and can't help but remember Tsukki. I wonder what will happen, if we're together, in a relationship where no one can separate us

  
*sigh*

  
How long do I have to hide in the dark and keep my mouth shut? I love Tsukki with all my heart but... I don't have the courage to tell him myself what I really feel towards him... We have really good relationship right now and I don't want to destroy it... But I want more than being his friend

  
"Yamaguchi?... Hey, Yamaguchi? Yamaguchi Tadashi!"

  
"what?! What? What's the problem?"

  
"I'm asking you about Tsukishima... Why's he's not here?" Kageyama

  
_Oh, he's finished talking about Hinata now?_

  
"what about him?"

  
"didn't you hear me? I ask why that salt is not here?"

  
"oh, its because Hinata did something stupid again in his paperwork and Tsukki fix it" I smile when I remember his face while typing so angrily. 

  
I notice how the two stare at me and I just tilt my head like saying 'what?'. They look at each other and shake their head to me, when Kageyama quietly stand up and go to the counter to order some food

  
"nee Yamaguchi... I always wonder... Why you're calling Tsukishima-San Tsukki? Why you're not putting some honorific in his name or call him in his real name?" She looks at me with those eyes full of curiosity and suddenly memories of our childhood rush through my head and that's makes me quiet but happy

  
The first time we meet it was when we are grade schoolers. He save me from all the bullies and since then I started to grow fond on him and stick with him everytime until we're in middle school and that's when I realised I have a romantic feelings for him that I can't tell but only show

  
"well, you see... I hate calling him other than tsukki, cause whenever I did that..." he's the one who said that I'm the only one who can call him like that, it feels like he claim me as his and only his

  
"I feel like I'm a stranger to him... That's why I never call him other than that" I smile to her. Actually, he doesn't like the name I gave him cause it sounds like a he's someone's pet but it all change in highschool. I don't know what gotten into him but that change was good

  
There's that one time someone bully me and for calling him Tsukki in public, he beat them and since then he declared that I'm the only one can call him that name

  
_only if he knew how much it gave me butterflies at that time_

  
"whenever I call him in the name I gave, it gives me butterflies" she just look at me like I'm some stupid smiling with no reason but she didn't know, I'm in cloud nine right now for remembering it and happily drink my tea

  
"you love him, don't you?" I immediately spit it when she said that out of nowhere and I explain to her while not making eye contact cause she looks so serious and scary

  
"if you don't tell him your feelings sooner you will regret it" I look at Hitoka with surprise continue to denied it to her but she didn't buy it

  
"you may fool others Yamaguchi but not me"

  
"no its not like that... I'm just saying that we were friends hahaha" I nervously laugh but it seems Hitoka won't really believe that by the face she was wearing right now

  
"do you want to stay in that relationship forever?" She looks at me with those serious eye. I can't help but shut my mouth and avert my gaze, I can't bring myself to answer that question cause in real...

  
_I really don't want to stay like this forever_

  
"you know that disease of experiencing one-sided love right? It's called Hanahaki disease... If you hide those feelings for too long, you might suffer at the end... You know, Tsukishima won't stay as he is always, he can grow to love someone... And if that happens... You're doom"She was right on those things but I'm afraid it's not easy to tell your feelings to someone who's been with you for so long... Mostly when you know their attitude... And mostly to someone like me who's scared and don't have confidence in his self 

  
"I'm content of being friends with him... Staying in that way, was way more better than not being with him or anything else" but I do want to change things but the fear always overwhelm me and I can't do a thing about it... I can't help but grip hard on my spoon for the pity I'm feeling for myself 

  
_How pathetic_

  
"are you sure? Cause just looking at your eyes it tells a different story" I don't know where Hitoka can get those confidence she was having right now... Mostly she was a type who almost faint because of the fear she's feeling but she's different now... I wonder why? And the way she say things almost feel like she experienced it herself

  
I just get up from my chair and pick my things. I don't want to continue this topic anymore... I feel like I could dig something I shouldn't and end up crying... And I don't want that

  
"I have things left in my table and needed to be done early... I'm going out first"

  
"I hope you won't regret your choice, Yamaguchi" she looks at me with an eyes full of sorrow and regret. I quickly avert my gaze, cause the pain it gives me... I don't want to feel it... I immediately run away from there and get some air

  
She's my friend and I know she's worried about me but... Not now

  
While walking back to the company I saw a familiar figure of a tall guy with blonde hair talking to a black hair guy... I can't take the view so I approach him

  
"Tsukki, are you finished with your work? Did you eat already? And who is this guy" I hold his hands but he immediately let go of it... And just now I feel like everything went dark and I can hear something cracks inside me

  
He go beside him and look at me with his usual face "I throw the work to that stupid Mandarin since it really his and I already eaten with him... And he's" he blush and can't look at me, but he look at him and the guy just smile at me

  
"he's Kuroo Tetsuro... My.... Boyfriend" when he say those words, he look so inlove. He's blushing. 

  
I know, I should congratulate him but hearing those words, I feel like my time stop and my soul left my body, something like a glass breaks inside of me and falls to the ground and smash into pieces

  
"really? Congrats!" I'm smiling but I don't know what to feel right now and I can feel mind creating a storm inside my head. I can't hear what they're talking about anymore but I want to kill the guy beside him

  
_"you know that disease of experiencing one-sided love right? It's called Hanahaki disease... If you hide those feelings for too long, you might suffer at the end... You know, Tsukishima won't stay as he is always, he can grow to love someone... And if that happens... You're too late"_

  
Before my sight gets dark, I walk away from them silently and even they call my name but I didn't turn back... I run and run like running from reality and wish it never happened, as tears start to form

  
I go inside the company and run to the Comfort Room, lock the door so no one would see the next thing that will happen

  
I hold the edges of the sink. I look at my reflection on the mirror as the emotions I've been holding in swells and tears fall into my eye and I start coughing red flowers with blood on it

  
"I'm afraid, I already suffered from it... Hitoka"


	2. Chapter 2 : I Hate This

Ever since that day, I always have the same dream.. It plays over and over again, like there's a broken recorder install in my head and it hurts really bad

  
It repeats the same place, same time, same people, and same words that came out from that person... The expression he gaves when he introduced that person to me

  
I wish that none of those happens in reality and just stay in my dream... No it was not a dream, its a nightmare, and that nightmare was my reality right now... My situation right now

  
I always ask myself why him? Why now? Why it so sudden?... But the answer was it was my fault all along... It is my fault for not telling him early about my feelings... And I can't help but worsen my sickness now that the thing I fear happens...

  
I just know that Kuroo Tetsurou was from Editing Department and their Chief. Now, I know, why Tsukki always go there even though he's not the type who would waste his energy for something like that and complain in silence

  
"Hey Yamaguchi, can your please check on this? I don't want that blonde salt scold me again... That damn, tall French fries" Hinata ask while handing me the pile of paper he just finish working

  
"Sure... After all, this is my job as a proofreader of this company"

  
"... I can always count on you Yamaguchi! But tell me if there's something needed to correct, okay?" I nod to him as he run away from me and go to Kageyama's desk to annoy him. Having those two here make things lively here... I just go back to my desk and check paper silently... When Tsukki put something in my desk

  
**Hinata Pov**

  
After annoying Kageyama, I stay in my desk between Yachi and Kageyama and turn my chair while looking on the ceiling. I still remember the face Yamaguchi show to me when I hand those paper to him... It won't go away

  
_He look so down... No more like sad, something like a broken hearted guy?_

  
"hey, did something happen to our Yamaguchi?" 

  
"and why did you ask that?" Kageyama the king of the milk said while drinking the milk he just buy and type something on his computer

  
"he look so sad... I wonder, if something bad happened to him" 

  
"just leave him be... Time will fix whatever he was going through" I look at Yachi who's still eyes on her computer

  
Yachi was not like this actually... She's more of a bright girl that is shy and afraid of many thing but ever since last month, she suddenly became cold or more like not like her

  
"that's cold... But I hope he's okay" 

  
_Is there some situation happening in this office that I don't know?_

  
**Yamaguchi POV**

  
"that black cat, said to give this to you" he hand Frappucino without looking at me, still his eyes on his phone typing... Probably chatting with Kuroo-San

  
_We've been together for almost 11 years but you still don't know that I hate Frappucino_

  
"Thanks, Tsukki"

  
"Hey Yamaguchi, do you hate Kuroo? You seems avoiding him... Not that I'm worried about it but he keeps bugging me about that thing... So do you hate him?" he looks at me with those eyes that has so many deep meanings and I can almost hear what he was thinking. I avert my gaze cause I feel like I'm drowning by his gaze

  
_Please don't look at me with those look in your eyes..._

  
"No, I don't hate Kuroo - san, it's just that he's giving this scary vibe mostly because of his looks"

  
"well, I understand you but..." I sneak a glance to him that I regret so much

  
"but once you know him... It will all change" he's smiling while looking at his phone and I can see some dust of red in his cheeks. I look on his phone and see their chat to each other and the 3 words, 8 letters... The words that you can only said to your love ones

  
_Ever since, you never look at me with those eyes_

  
I see how he sparks when he stares at his phone. It like he's looking at his world, his universe. I wanna cry but if I cry here he will know and everything will be over at that... I cough a little and I can taste the petal in my mouth but I hide it

  
_God, how I hate this..._

  
"nee Tsukki, what kind of person is your type? Like really... He's a scary one, you know? Do you like those type of person?" without even thinking I ask those things and even though I will get hurt by the answer that he will give, I still hope for the worst answer

  
"well... I like smart people, I don't care about the looks, I just want them to be able to take care of me and protect me, a person who can stand my attitude and understand me... The person who will do things I want with him and call me his..." Tsukki looks so inlove while saying those words... I shouldn't question him to hurt myself even more... But I'm just looking for a chance

  
I'm not so smart but I know you more than anyone in this world... I can stand your attitude and care about you but I'm sorry if you're the one who always protect me... But I always call you mine... You just don't notice it

  
I know, that I have so many flaws but I tried my very best to fill those things so I could call myself deserving to be by your side cause I don't want someone to be in this position.... But I forgot you had another side

  
"wow, I never knew the mighty tall French fries with more extra salt has a soft side and even have those kind of likes" I laugh to him to hide my sadness since in this way Tsukki are easy to fool

  
"shut up, Yamaguchi"

  
"Gomen, Tsukki"

  
"hey guys! The Chief wants to treat us, wanna come?" Hinata shout from the door

  
"stop shouting, you little Mandarin" annoyed tsukki said

  
"what did you say!?" Hinata was about to go here to fight Tsukki but Tanaka-san stop him and Tsukki just grin so evilly as the group walk away 

  
"hey Yamaguchi, I really don't care about the things I said earlier" he get up anb fix the things in his desk and granmb his clothes and made me face his back

  
"just that we have feelings for each other and I can say those 3 words, 8 letters to him are more than enough to me" he walk away from me and I want to hold him but I just can't reach him and to that I just stare at him walking away from me. I can't bear the view of him walking away with someone beside him as he show the things he doesn't show to me before... I can't help but cry in silence

  
_Tsukki, I love you... I always did... And so on the future too. I already said those countless of time but I'm like a mute person that there's no sound coming from my mouth, and you're like a deaf for not able to hear them, and a blind who can't see it in every action I made_

  
"3 words, 8 letters, I always said it... But I'm not yours"

  
_How I hate this_

* * *


	3. Chapter 3 : I Can't Breath

Earlier Hinata and his gang approach me to ask if something wrong with me but I only said its nothing... They seem to start to notice it, then in that way, it'll be a matter before he notice it too and found about me

  
"Yamaguchi, did you hear about the sports promotion the other was talking about?" Tsukki came to me while holding the pile of papers needed to hand to the Editing Department

  
_He's going to meet him again_

  
"ah yes, Kiyoko-San and Asahi-San did some Interview on some players in the volleyball field, since they are on fire lately" ever since of the new rise of the new generation in volleyball they're the topic people lately and most of the sports lover people spread a lot of good words about the players they like on the Internet and they caught the company's attention and immediately make a move and send Kiyoko-san and Asahi-san

  
"while checking on some papers I read the article about them and they really plan to give them a good appearance on the public" well, I saw some of their play and they deserve but there's particularly one person that was the center of all attention

  
"I'm amaze that you can handle those papers with lots of patience... I mean, there's so many papers that need to be check and sometimes the mistakes was a grade level one and you still won't get angry or throw a tantrums and complain, if that's me I would throw it to their faces" yeah I probably have the greatest patience and self-management in my work... But I choose this job because I love it and I won't be sway by such a small thing

  
_Though I curse a lot in my kind but I have to smile to hide it... Cause if I don't I hide it, a murder scene will happen_

  
"that patience to work in silence and wait for some papers to come, I'm amaze " he walk away leaving me here staring at the space

  
"if I can wait for you in silence for how many years this will be a piece of cake to me" I mumbled and go back to my desk 

  
Some of this times, I'm thinking what if I tell him, my feelings? Even though he's with Kuroo, will that change something? I wanna take the risk but my feet don't want to go to him... I just want him to know the thing I've been hiding from him, so this thing growing in my lungs will stop and wither 

  
But will there be changes? Will he look at me like the way he looks at Kuroo? Will he consider my feelings? Will he come to me?... Will he love me? 

  
_Ah this is bad... I can't focus on my work and I feel so heavy lately... Must be because of that disease..._

  
Hitoka approach me and pull me in the corner. In a place where no one can hear us... I saw the other two looking at me so worried, it must be something about earlier 

  
"spit it out... I don't know what exactly happened but I'm here to lend a shoulder" she directly said to me and I'm surprise. I don't know if she's comforting me or she don't have care

  
"I know, you want to let out want that thing been carrying all this time" she point my heart. Hitoka was right on that but the thing is I don't want to let it out

  
"huh? I-I don't have anything to tell you" 

"tell me" she close her face to me and glare

  
"no... I don't want to" 

  
"why? If you're gonna hide it forever, it will only get heav-" 

  
"because if I tell you, I might cry... That's why it's a secret" I cut to her sentence. 

  
"I don't want to cry, that's why, its a secret" it's better to carry it than show it. There will be a problem if I show it. Yeah, maybe it was heavy to carry this feelings but... Will something change if I let it out? 

  
_I know, there is but I'm afraid for the affect..._

  
"goodness of me, why did I ride along with those two, I'm not the one you like so probably you don't want to tell those things to me... So will you tell him?" I lean on the wall as he squat on the floor and look up at me

  
"I was thinking about it earlier but you drag me out here and tell those things" 

"will you do it?" 

"I don't know... I'm too afraid for the results" 

  
"well... Give it a shot, maybe that guy have feelings for you" she said. Easy for her to say since she's not the one who's gonna do it

  
"I'm scared" 

  
"do you always want to run from this thing and let fear swallowed you? Look at what happened, you're too late and he has someone now... in order for you to feel light now and have no regrets, then tell him about your feelings" 

  
"easy for you to say" 

  
"Its not easy for me too... I'm the one who's giving you an advice after all and sending you to a bloody battle... I'm worried about you more than anything else. That's why I want you to move on and start a new" she's may be different now but she's still Hitoka I know. She was right and I want to end this... I don't want to fight a meaningless battle too

  
Agh, how I want to stop this thing! I know, it's my fault and I regret it so much but... How I want to stop this and make everything go back to normal... Where I could stay beside him as his friend with no feelings, where I could look at his eyes with no meaning and take his action and sweet words with no expectations, where I don't suffer this one-sided love and support his relationship... Where I'm a stranger to him

  
_I want to make things back to normal... And end this suffering_

  
Okay. I'm serious, I will tell him what I feel... I don't want any regrets later, so I'll let him know... But he's with Kuroo-San now... No! Don't think about it! Just do your thing and make everything goes back to normal... And if you're okay, find someone who's worth having your heart... The person who will not make you suffer to death

  
"okay, I'm gonna tell him" I said to her as she stand up and smile to me

  
"Good luck" with those simple words I can feel her support to me and go back inside 

  
Determined to what I just think, I find Tsukishima in the Editing Department but I couldn't find him there, so I look at him everywhere in the building

  
_Tsukki, where are you? I have a lots of courage to tell you what I feel yet you're not here, you're making me nervous..._

  
I look at every Department and floor to see Tsukki when I couldn't and I'm starting to get worried... Suddenly the cold wind enter the building and I look outside the window and see the sky are gray sign that it will rain so heavy later

  
_Nothing's bad gonna happen, right?_

  
Chills run down my spine as I tremble from the thought. I'm about to run again when I heard a weird noise in one room... I thought it was a mouse, get closer because of my curiosity 

  
I wish ghost are not real! I keep hearing some stories about this building lately that there's a ghost crying... And not to mention that this is that floor!!!! 

  
What comes in my mind and go here but I only realise it now and the curiosity of finding out that it's not a mouse are overwhelming me... But I do have a lot of bad feelings about this

  
I feel like I'm possess and can't control my body, my mind saying to stop from walking and run away from here but Something's telling me to continue walking and reach the doorknob and peep inside 

  
I wish I really did just stop earlier... When I open the door is the same time a lightning came and light the whole thing for me to clearly see who's the two person making out inside this room... It was Tsukki and Kuroo...

  
I feel my heart been pierce by hundreds of knife and slowly tearing me apart... My head feels heavy and the tears continuously flow like a waterfall and there's no words coming from my mouth and the only thing I could hear was my heartbeat and the moan of the two

  
Not another moment, I run away from that place and starts coughing red flowers. I tried to cover my mouth so it won't come out but I can't stop it... The pains overwhelming inside me and I can't stop crying and the view of what I saw earlier repeats in my mind

  
I run on something and fell on the ground with my face landed on the floor. I didn't mind the pain, I feel like my face gone numb but my chest really hurts and feels heavy

  
"geez, what's wrong with you?" not looking to that person I run away again... Away from that building... Away from the pain... Its always like this, I run away that's why I'm suffering now but running gives me comfort that's why I always do it

  
And before I knew it, it was raining so hard and I'm leaving tracks of red flowers on the ground but I can't contain my feelings... It hurts so bad.. It was not enough by just crying it out... I want it all to be out

  
"Aaaaaaah!!! Aaaaahhh!!! AAaaaaaAaahhh!!" I scream and scream until my throat gets hurt and there's no sound coming out in my mouth but the pain won't fade. My chest feels heavy

  
_It hurts so bad. I wanna stop but I don't know how. My head was creating a storm on it own. I wanna collapse and rest from everything... I want to stop all of this... It hurts_

  
Just where did I get all of that courage earlier? Now, I know what I should do... It seems that its wrong to do it now cause its late... I'm too late... And I regret it but the thing I regret the most is this heart of mine

  
I just go back to my apartment and stay in my bed all day and text Hitoka to get my things and tell the chief I'm absent

  
I can't stop crying my heart out and lock myself in my bathroom to let out my feelings. Flowers grows rapidly in my lungs this time and I'm vomiting it now and I can't get some air it hurts my chest 

  
"I - I can't breath" 

  
I look at all the flowers and see that they're so beautiful yet so deadly 

  
_He made flowers bloom inside of me... I can feel the thorns and branches... Although it's beautiful... I can't breath from it_


	4. Chapter 4 : Get Out of the Rain

**Hinata POV : when he bump to Tsukishima**

  
Hopping happily in this hallway to find where did Yamaguchi go. Chief Sawamura call for him and I need to find him since I have the energy to search this whole building when someone was running and bump to me

  
_Ouch that hurt_

  
I look to whoever it is and see it was Yamaguchi. He was silent all the time even he landed on his face but not saying sorry he run immediately but I saw something fall from him

  
"hey Yamaguchi you drop..." I look at the thing and see it was a flower... With blood

  
"something.." just by looking at this thing. I think, I know what's happening now with him and that explain the whole week why he look so sad. I just return to my place, I didn't report anything to Chief and sit quietly on my chair when Hitoka return

  
"Where's Yamaguchi?" Chief Sawamura ask as he came to our area

  
"Chief, he feel sick and resting on his house now" She simply said

  
"okay... Enoshita! Can you check this thing?!" Chief said and go to our senpais when Tsukishima enter the room like it was nothing

  
"the speaking of the devil why he's now sick" Hitoka said out of nowhere 

  
Time pass by so quickly, and Hitoka clear her desk and get the things on Yamaguchi's desk

  
"hey hey, where are you going with all those things?" I point at thing she was holding now

  
"he text me to get it and drop it in his house... And I think I need to look after him or he will kill himself" Oh... so she know already what's going on?

  
"I'm coming with you" she seem surprise by my sudden reply about it

  
"why?" 

  
"I know, what's happening to Yamaguchi now... And I want to help him" she look down on my hand where I'm holding the petal

  
"person like you will never help someone who suffer from this cause you never experience it... But I'll let you come along" she was really cold, mostly to me but can she those things in soft way?... I know, that I never suffer the Hanahaki Disease but I want to help him, if there's a thing I could help... I know, by looking at the petal came out of him and the blood sign that he's in a dangerous stage now

  
_Just how long you've been suffering, Yamaguchi?_

  
Hitoka POV

  
I don't know why Hinata want to come even though he doesn't need to... There's no way he can help him, he's words will only hurt him since the pain of suffering hanahaki is not that simple. He doesn't know how much it pain since he doesn't experience it... It can't cure by some sweet words

_People who didn't suffer the same pain as us will never understand it_

Not too long before we reach Yamaguchi's House and knock on his door. The door open a little and show the weak Yamaguchi in the floor looking so miserable, eyes swells and red, stain of tears, dark circle under his eyes, he likes like dead... Hinata immediately barge in and help him stand and make him sit on the sofa

  
Yamaguchi was looking at me with big eyes and I already know what he mean

  
"he knows... Explain how you know he suffer from that disgusting disease... I'm gonna make some food for you" I told to the two and fold my sleeves to start working on his kitchen while listening on them 

  
"when you bump me earlier on the hallway... You fell this... And I knew right away that you have that" he show the petal in his hand that has some blood in it and I can't help but look disgust on it. They keep on talking but mostly it was Hinata trying to cheer up Yamaguchi 

  
While working here in kitchen I found some flower in some corner places and clean it then throw it in the trash

  
This days, seeing a flower make me sick, it reminds me that a disease like Hanahaki exist... I loathe it so much I want a bulldozer to kill it, they disgust me...

  
Hanahaki Disease is a disgusting disease... All we did was love but we ended up getting hurt from it or worst die when you didn't get the right treatment... Just thinking about it several memories from my past flash in my mind

I know that you can't love without feeling the pain... But isn't it too unfair? If we experience unrequited love or one-sided love we end up getting sick... We suffer while that person gets happy

  
I'm the one who made Yamaguchi like this right now. If I didn't encourage him to tell his feelings, something like this wouldn't happen... But I don't want him to to get hurt anymore and be someone like me at the end

  
I'm mad at that so called God of love, that he arrow us to a person who we couldn't get, and sometimes I think he's playing the feelings of human

  
_What a jerk indeed_

  
I'm finish cooking and set the table for everyone to eat and give a blanket to Yamaguchi since he looks cold

  
"next time if this happen, get a taxi and don't bath in the rain then get sick" 

  
"the rain comforts me and no one notice the tears I'm letting out" his voice was a bit hoarsy and in a low tone and I notice how puffy Yamaguchi's eyes

  
"did the rain lessen the pain? Did you cry your hearts out? Does your scream enough for that person to hear you?" I made a lemon juice for him to get better sooner... Even though he's experiencing something shitty like this, he still need to work and move forward... If he wants to

  
"no matter how loud I scream that guy was deaf" 

  
"right" I eat my food silently as it continue to rain outisde

  
"nee, Yamaguchi... I know, I'm out of the line but... How about removing it? It seems that it's in a 4th stage already... You coughing blood with flowers" Hinata worriedly ask him

  
See? this is why you're not of help... You said it so lightly but to those who suffer from it feels like their life depends on it... You were love by lot of people so you never understand that and the love you have now with Kageyama 

  
"if you remove it you won't suffer anymore -" 

  
"but I won't feel the emotion of love" Yamaguchi cut Hinata and smile to him as he drink his lemon juice

  
"they said there's a string in our heart that let us feel this emotion... It called the heart string... The emotion you are feeling and the your mental state was depend on it, that's why if you suffer from heavy emotion, the string can't take it and will break... And you start to be broken... but as long it won't get treated it worsen and flowers starts to grow in your heart and lungs that it suffocate you... And before you know it, you have garden of beautiful flowers inside you that could kill you anytime... But if you remove that string, you suffer the lack of emotion" he just look at his cup with a sad face 

  
"to tell you the truth, I already think about having the heartstrings remove... I thought about it countless of times, whenever I'm hurt... But thinking of not feeling my love for Tsukki kills me more" Hinata was surprise when he mention that guy's name

  
"I'm already experiencing a hell, and just thinking about it already torture me even if I remove it. Yeah, I will be free from the pain... But to tell you the truth I rather die from having the ability to feel than be a cold stone" those words hit me really hard like a thousand knives abut at the same time, amaze to him... He was strong and really hold on to his words... I guess, I'm just a pathetic human being

_Love is painful, but people still want it and yearn for it... But rainbows wouldn't happen if there's no rain_

"but he's happy now with Kuroo-San... And they love each other... I don't want to force myself in... Hahaha I must gone crazy earlier for thinking to tell him the truth and hurt myself ending up to be sick" tears flow and just let it out, and every sob that escape his mouth a flower will come out with blood

  
"Its not your fault, if he can't return the feelings.... Its no one's fault" great you just worsen it, Hinata... Those words are not the words he needs to hear now... Though I appreciate the thought, suddenly there's a knock in the door and Hinata's phone ring and message pop up

  
"Kageyama, was here to pick me up" He said and look worried to Yamaguchi but he wipes the tears and smile at him

  
"it's okay... Go to your boyfriend, you don't want him to get grumpy, do you?" 

  
"Kageyama, is okay... But you?" 

  
"I'm fine... I have Hitoka" after he said that Hinata get his things and get out of the house... And not for a moment I immediately hug Yamaguchi 

  
"let it all out... This thing are the most needed thing in times like this" I whisper to him and its like a magic word that make him cry and scream at the same time, he's clenching his fist really hard in my dress and lot of flowers are falling on the floor as I pat his back to comfort him

  
When I suffered Hanahaki Disease before, no one knows that and no one lend a shoulder for me to cry... I scream and cry and it seems like a waste of time but it gives a comfort though it really hurts your chest

  
I felt that disgusting disease because of Hinata... I really loved him with all my being that I end up changing myself for the better so I could be with him... So I could stand beside him, but it seems all of it was nothing compared to Kageyama... When he came to our life, everything is in disarray until they fell inlove to each other 

  
I'm always with them and I can't bear the view of seeing someone you loved was happy with someone... It hurts me, until I decide to remove the heart string inside me and making me feel like this. Even I feel comfortable now, and I'm not suffering... I still yearn for the feelings to return 

  
"Yachi-san, it hurts... It hurts so bad, I feel like dying! Why him? Why him of all people?! Why its not me? I did everything to make him notice me but its still not enough" He scream and I can't do anything to him but pat his back. I can feel his pain from every words he say... It breaks my heart to see him like this

  
"Cause sometimes, the people we love see it was nothing but an act of kindness" its because all the things we do was nothing compared to that one person that just came to your life

  
"I just want everything to stop... I don't want to feel like this anymore!... It kills me... Its so hard to breath" I know... I know, but you're so strong and still holding it

  
"my chest hurt so much and but I don't know how to stop stop loving him" He cried and cried for more like an hours in my shoulder... After some time, he calm down but still sobbing in my shoulder

  
"hey yamaguchi... Did you ever regret loving him?" 

  
"no... What I regret is, not able to control my feelings and this heart of mine for being able to beat by only him" 

  
"human are not robot to control their feelings... I'm amazed by you, you're hiding that feelings of yours for so long and endure the pain... And to choose to love him at silence" 

  
"I did it for a reason... I love him in silence, cause in silence there's no rejection will happened" he let go of the hug and I can see how his eyes are puffy and red and he smile... The same smile he wears everyday to hide those tears

  
"thank you, Yachi. For being here... And sorry to see my pathetic self... Guy should be look cool infront of girls" 

  
"I'm not the person you like, so don't show it... Now, go to bed cause I need to clean this things" I push him to go to his bedroom and lay on the bed as I put the sheet on him. I clean the table and wash the dishes and make some food for him to easily cook

  
After doing all that I came to his room to tell him there's a food in fridge and he just need to heat it. He said thanks as I bid goodbye and get out of his house. I look at the sky and its still gray and raining. While walking I remember what Yamaguchi said about the rain

  
He was right about the rain... Rain gives comfort and cover the sadness that we're showing... But it will only worsen the pain the person was feeling 

Rain is the symbol of sadness. When the sky are sad and feels heavy it gets dark and rain so hard. It's rain was like a tear of a person. The reason why a person feels comfort in rain is because they both suffering, you can feel that the world understands your pain and cry with you

Rain gives comfort to one person but those thing will not fade, rain won't wash away the pain you are feeling but only worsen it

_That's why, Yamaguchi. You need to get out of the rain_


	5. Undo

Life is like a daydream that I wanna wake up... I don't want to be in pain anymore. I don't want to suffer another battle of pain... I don't want to be sad anymore... That's why, I decide to stop

I'm tired of running and hiding... But when I face it I feel like I'm in a battle in a storm... It gives me scars and wounds, it made me think so much and worn me out, I cry so much and cost so much blood... I feel like I'm losing my mind

Its been a week since I'm absent for work, and now its already 8:00 pm and my tummy was grumbling in hunger and also my throat still hurts. I just heat the food Hitoka made earlier. She comes here everyday to take care of me but she said that she only do this kind of thing so there won't be suicide thing happen... Like I do that? 

_Whoever make Hitoka their wife will be lucky_

It's night now and my phone was dead silent... Not even a message from that person came. It seems like he doesn't care about me. Oh well, what am I to him anyway? I'm just his friend who fell inlove to him. I'm such a pathetic person to still have feelings for him

The heater made a sound *ting!* and I set the table for myself and ready to eat when the door bell and someone knock

_Hm? I don't have any visitors today? Is it Hitoka or Hinata?_

I just go and open the door shock to see it was Tsukki with some plastic bags. I feel like every pain that subside a little arise again and without a word he came inside and place the plastic bags on the table

"I heard that you get sick, and you live alone, so I came here to give this food and some medicines... Its been two days and you need to recover" he said and set the table with healthy foods in it and some medicines 

_You don't even know what sickness I have_

I go closer to him and look at those things and it look so delicious and I'm starting to drool

"close your mouth or ill tape it" 

"gomen, tsukki" he still don't change... A salt will always be a salt

I stop when he suddenly put his hand on my forehead and cloe his face to mine 

"Good your temperature was normal" he said and go back on the food... I don't what to react at that, my whole body got stiff and I feel like my heart just stop there and I can feel my cheeks burning 

_No, I shouldn't feel this way... It will only worsen the pain... I should stop this... So please stop acting like that_

"lately office are boring without you, it always bugs me, so I need you to recover quickly" 

how could I recover if your the one who made me sick? But of course you wouldn't know that... You don't even care knowing and you're ordering me like I'm a robot 

"I'm worried if you get sick for one more day so hurry up and recover... That's why, eat all this food" 

_Please stop... Stop saying those words! Just go back to your boyfriend! I already decide to stop loving you... I don't want to suffer anymore_

I feel like crying again but I bite my tounge inside to avoid it

"please, get well soon. I want you in the office... I don't trust Enoshita in checking all the papers I did and I need you" for the first time in my entire life... He looks so worried, never in my time I'm with him he looks at me like that... I can see his care but I don't want fell for it again. I feel like drowning in pain he gives me and I want to cry right now because of his sweet words even though I need to stop

"everyone in the office said to get well soon and Kuroo said to send his regards to you -" 

"stop!!" I shout at him. He was shock by my sudden reaction to him

"please stop acting like that! Please stop saying those sweet words cause you don't know how it affects me!! Stop making me feel hurt more than I do now!! Just please stop!!" I shout at him and tears flows as I saw his surprise reaction

"Yamaguchi?" he was about to hold my hand when I avoid him. I saw his surprise reaction and I wish I dint do it but I can't... I don't want to feel him... His presence always hurt me

"please stop... I want to end all of this... I don't want this pain! I just want everything goes back to normal... To the time we're like strangers... To the times I don't feel some pain!! So please stop acting you're worried!" I cried to him as I run to my room and lock it. I don't want him to see the red flowers falling from my mouth

"Yamaguchi, what are you saying?! Open the door!" he started banging my door and try to open the doorknob but I hold it in and grip hard

"please, Tsukki! Just stop doing what you are doing... Go to your boyfriend!! Just go away!" he suddenly stop banging and I realize what I just said

Stop, please stop. Don't act like that, don't be so kind to me, but I also want you to show it to me... Those expression of a person inlove... Ahh, I can't understand myself anymore... Everything hurts, I didn't want any of this... I just love you... So please don't leave me all alone

"okay,fine! Who cares about some wimp like you anyway" I heard his footsteps get away from my door

Even in this way, I hope you notice the reason why I'm like this... I'm like this because of you... I'm like this cause I love you that it hurts. You're smart, right? So please notice those small things

"such a waste of time going here" I heard the door been close so hard that I flinch because of it. I want to go outside, hold him and say sorry like I always did but I decided to stop and keep my distance... I don't want to love him anymore, cause I know that I will never get him... but everytime I see him, those feelings I tried so hard to hide, rise

I cover my mouth and cry again... Is this what I always do in my life? Scream and cry till my throat get hurts? ... I'm sick of it and I'm tired of it but I can't do anything to lessen the pain

I'm trying to keep my distance now, I don't want my sickness get worse by staying close to you... I want to end this thing and go back to normal... I don't want to get hurt anymore... I don't want to feel this... I don't want to cough flowers... I just want everything to stop and go back to normal

"aaahh!! Please just stop!!" I scream as I punch my door that my hand bleeds but I can't feel the pain... My chest hurts so much, I feel like dying

"aaaaAaaahh!! Please just stop!! Why do I have to suffer like this?! All I did was love him!!" I throw my vase in my wall as it pieces fall on the ground 

When I see the broken pieces, I feel like I'm looking at my self... Broken in many ways.

I want this sadness to go, this pain to fade, this tears to stop... I want everything to stop...

_When will I get another sunny day? I feel like I'm in a storm all my life_

Someone please undo my pain... Can someone out there undo what hurt so bad?... Can someone stop this? I will do anything just please stop this sad love of mine

"please undo my sad love" I curl up and cried silently on the floor begging for someone to come and stop this even I know that at the end of the day, I'm the only person who can stop this

_I don't want this anymore. I feel like, I'm going crazy because of the pain... I wanna die_

It ache deep in part of me and something squeezing my chest so hard, it so hard to breath... I can't bear more pain than this... Even if I scream, squirm and cause my eyelids to swell nothing will change...

_Will this pain can still heal?_


	6. The Star starts to crumble

Ever since that happened Tsukki been ignoring me... I really don't want to go to work but I need to, for living, in order to survive... But I feel so tired, others tell me that I look like a zombie. Well, I am, I'm a living corpse right now... I want to stop this thing now but

It hurt so much this way.... Not able to talk to him and just see him from afar...

"are you okay?" Hitoka said when she came beside me and open the scanner then get a cup of water in a jar

"I don't know... I feel dead" I don't know what to feel anymore... Mentally, I'm drain. Emotionally, I'm done. Spiritually, I'm dead. Physically... I don't know... 

"yeah, you look like a zombie, except you can still feel anything" she lean on the wall while looking at her cup that is full of water 

"Nee, Yachi... Why we can't just be happy when we love? Why we can't get those things we love? Why do we have to suffer in order to be happy? Why we can't be with someone we love?" love hurts so bad, that it can cause someone to die.

Love is a powerful thing, that makes people yearn for it even it's painful to have it. Love makes people fight and hurt others just to be with that person

"I don't really understand, why we have to suffer?" all we did was to love and nothing else, but our heart takes part of the fault of getting us hurt... Its fault was to be able to beat only for that one person 

"because nothing is free in this world... We feel the love so freely but it has a cost. If you didn't take care of it, you'll be drown in debt and end up hurting you." I saw Hinata and Kageyama talking on their desk and they are so happy like they have their own world 

"we can't be with someone that we love that easily, because we need to prove something in order to be with them... In order to have a reason to stand with them" I look at the other corner and see Tanaka and Kiyoko-san. Tanaka-san, was talking to her while she just respond a little but it still make him happy

They've been married for two years now and living a good life. I heard their story before and it was Tanaka who waited for Kiyoko-san for so long until he gets what he deserves 

"we suffered because that's how a person learn in life... We learn things through pain, we get mature through pain, we get strong through pain" 

"but isn't that unfair? We just fell in love but end up getting hurt" 

"you know, what is the biggest mistake a person could make?" 

"what?" 

"Its that people should feel the love, not fell in love... Cause everything that fell ends up broken" after drinking her water she get the paper and walk away... One day, I wanna ask her, why she know so much about this thing, why she say all of that as 8f she experience it. I wanna know her story

"Yamaguchi, can you take this to the Editing Department?" said Chief Sawamura as he approach me with pile of papers in his hand

"ah, Chief, I think, Tsukki, should do that..." I look at him but he's only looking at his computer typing something

_Stop_

"no, it should be you, so go cause I still have things to do... And give these to their Half-eyed cat Chief" Chief Sawamura and give me the papers while oozing a dark aura... If Kuroo was the Black Cat, you're the Crow

Still hesitating, I just go to the Editing Department. The Editing Department was a bit rowdy and I'm looking for their Chief in their office but can't see him, so I approach the small guy with pudding like hair that still looking at his psp

"what is it?" he said without looking

"I'm looking for your Chief, did you see him?" he immediately look up and give a grumpy look

"the chief wants to give this to your chief" I show him the papers but he's still looking at me suspiciously

"why didn't that French fry came here instead?" oh so he knew about him. Of course, he came here many times but he sound so jealous

"I also don't know why Tsukki didn't come instead... But I'm still glad he did... By the way, I'm Yamaguchi Tadashi" I held out my hand for him to shake it but he just look at it and take it

"Kenma Kozume" he said... Its good to have connection in this Department in case something happen to Tsukki be- no, no, no! You already told to yourself to stop, so stop! You will only get hurt!

"oh are you the guy Kuroo said? He said leave this papers in his table and come to the hunted room... He said that you know it" the small guy with brownish hair came as I did what he said and leave the papers on the desk

Hunted room... He knows that I see them that day! But why have to call me? I won't tell anyone what I saw... I don't want to involve Tsukki in some disgusting issues and make him hate me more... Whatever, let's just go

Ah, seeing this room makes me feel sick. The memories it gives gives a chill and its so dark here but Kuroo was inside

I open the door and see Kuroo smoking while sitting on the desk

"Kuroo-San, if you are worried that I might spread some rumors about you and Tsukki, don't worry I won't"

"I know, you love him, so I'm sure you won't spread something like that" he stop smoking and look at me so serious and I was surprise by what he said... How did he know?

"I saw you that day and you're reaction... Must hurt to see your love one making out with someone he loves" I clench my fist by the words he was saying but I stay calm... I don't want to cause a ruckus... I walk near window and look at the outside of the company 

"what did you call me for?" I irritatedly said 

"if you love Tsukishima so much, why didn't you tell him sooner?" he ask. I calm myself cause of irritation on why he's so nosy in my life... There's a silence between us

"Cause I'm afraid that he will reject me and I'm afraid it would destroy the relationship we have now, cause I think it's better to love him in silence" but that's what I thought before

"but you wouldn't know what he will say, if you confess" he's right. But I'm too scared to even open my mouth and tell those words just for him and just said those words in silence... But now it's okay cause I'm keeping my distance from to stop this feeling

"I know, that" I look sadly when I saw the gang in the ground talking and see Tsukishima getting annoyed because of Hinata, but I saw him look at this direction. I'm surprised but I didn't avert my gaze and he just ignore me... 

Should I say sorry for what I did?... No, if he hates me it would only add to a reason that he will keep distance from me

I started this and I will make it out by stopping this feelings and if needed I will kill the flowers inside me

"i love him, but it's over... He has you now and its good to keep that way, he's happy, so I should keep my distance cause I know that I'm not gonna get him... He's not mine, and I'm not his" I look at Kuroo sadly that it was him that owns him now and I immediately wipe the tears that escape from my eyes

"nothing's over yet... You don't know what might happen in the future... I might hurt him or change, no one knows what will happen... But even Tsukishima was salty and annoying, I sometimes caught him spacing out and mumble your name... Sometimes he tell some story about you and only if you knew the looks he was showing" He happily said like it was nothing to him... We may not know the future but I'm certain that I know Tsukki and he choose you, so don't say such things!

"stop!! Don't give false hope to me! I'm trying to heal myself little by little, so don't give false hope that will only hurt me!! Its all over now!" I can't stop myself and again cry infront of this man, as I wipe my tears that won't stop falling

_Damn, this tears... When will you ever get tired from falling for wrong person... And when will you stop beating for that guy, heart?_

"how do you know that it was a false hope?! Did you check it to yourself?! I just want you tell your feelings so you won't suffer from anything! So you could let out what that thing been hiding all this time!! So nothing's over until you give up!!" he came to me and shout that to my face and point my chest multiple of times. He is words cut so deep in me

"well, then! I give up! I'm stopping from having this thing!! I'm tired from all this suffering!" 

" how could you even give up, if you still love him?" I stop when he said that and tears starts falling again

"God, please stop... I'm begging you just stop... I want to end this... So please don't make it worse" I grip tight on my shirt cause I can't breath, I feel like dying and my lung hurts, it feels like something squeezing it... I'm losing some air and my head start getting light

"I just want this to all stop... Yes I love him but I need to stop or it won't be good... I want to tell him my feelings but I'm afraid... He's with you and I don't want to destroy some relationships... I just want to make things back to normal without removing something... All I want is to stop all this pain and suffering, and have my bright day" I look down on my feet and cried...

Maybe, Hinata was right about removing the heartstrings... Maybe I should just remove it sooner, so I'm not suffering like this now... But I can't take it... I'm scared of not feeling the love to him

"you don't have to stop anything, you just need to change it... In a better way" he said and tap my shoulder to comfort me but it didn't do anything to me. This hand holds Tsukki's face and hand and I don't want it in my shoulder

"why are you telling me this?"

"Cause I want you to be free from the suffering" 

"I know, you have good intentions and try to find some good words to say... But right now, everything's is not okay and I want to be okay... I'm tired of everything... So please, let me just give up... Let me just stop fighting... You don't know how much pain it gives me... So stop" I sadly said to him with my most pleading voice so that he will stop what he was doing. I'm really tired from all the pain, but I can't easily let go and that's the problem 

"you're no god, Kuroo. You don't know what it's like to be like me since you are the one he choose"

"maybe I'm not, but I know what action to do to stop the pain" I forcely remove his hand in me and walk away and go to males Comfort Room and wash my face and look on my reflection

Freckles on my face... When I was a child, I always said to Tsukki that I'm the mountain that always look on the moon but he always go against it and tell me that I'm the stars that always beside the moon when it show up in night, and light the world in darkness

But now I'm not that thing who's beside him it was someone else... Although it's not a star but a cat that been attracted to the moon and always see each other, as I only see them from a far

*cough, cough* lots of blood and flowers came out of my mouth... My medicine was not in my pocket and my chest hurts so ill stay here for a bit until it lessen

_I'm in stage four of Hanahaki_

This is why I also need to stop my feelings for Tsukki... And move on, since I know, that I will never get himBefore, I'm willing to die for him but doing this now is unfair. if I remove the thing that hurting me, I'll think ill be a living dead, so what's the point from dying from it, If it only results death? It's miracle now that I'm still alive but it won't be too long... That's why, I won't remove this and just keep my distance for the meantime... I know, I will heal

_Time heals the scars and wounds, I'll do my job now to survive from this hell_


	7. Moon and Mountain

It's the end of the day and I'm about to go home when I saw how dark the sky. The moon didn't show up... Ah, I should bring my umbrella but lately it was raining so hard, I wonder if there's a storm coming...

  
_Man, my phone was dead too_

  
I was about to walk when Tsukki pass me like I was some random stranger in his life... I know, that he's still mad at me about that time, and that I will stop this feelings but before that I want to have a closure... I want to end things with him Peacefully... Not like this

Without thinking I turn around and quickly grab his hands. I saw his surprise reaction but There's a moment of silence before one of us speaks

"what are you doing, Mr. Stranger?" I feel like there's a knife stab my heart when he call me that. He's really mad at me

  
"Tsukki..." I called at him

  
"who's that? My name was Kei Tsukishima, and not that" no it was your name... It was your favourite nickname that I give to you that I'm the only one can use, so please stop

  
"Tsukki, are you still mad about that? I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry if I yelled at you... I'm sorry so please drop the act" I can't bear it when you do that 

  
"Tsukki, I'm sorry, so please stop acting like I'm a stranger..." its hurting me

  
I hold his hand tightly and keep begging him to stop doing this to me but I there's no emotion showing in his face and I feel like a big big rock fell in me, it worsen when he slap away my hands

  
"what's this pathetic act you have now? You're the one who want this right? I'm giving you want " he almost walk away but I almost hold his hand when he slap me in the face and I feel like I numb a second there and still shock to what he did

  
Yeah, it's good to be unknown to you cause that way I will never get hurt, but not this way... I want to keep my distance, but you should not... I'm the only one who has the problem so I'll be the one needs to keep his distance 

  
"after everything you said to me that night, you expect me to forgive you just like that? Sure, I would forgive you! But in return don't talk to me anymore! I don't want to see your face anymore!" he walk away but not too far he stop half way 

  
"and don't call me with that pet name anymore... Its disgusting... Geez, why did I even save you from that day? Such a pathetic person you are... I hate you... Don't ever show you face to me ever again... How I wish you to be dead right now" after that he walk away without looking back... I feel every system I have in my body shut down... I feel so numb... His words repeats in my head like a broken recorder and it hurts my head 

  
_Tsukki... Hates me... He regrets saving me that day... He wants me dead_

  
Tsukishima POV

After everything I said to him I quickly go away from that place. when I can't take the feelin anymore, I go near the wall and punch it

I don't really want to say those things to him but the pain he gaves me when he said those always repeat on my mind and when it does, my anger rise. I want to talk to him and ask for a reason but my mouth open on its own and said those things and worse I slap him

When I saw his eyes, it was like a dead person's eye. That's the first time I saw him looking like that, it surprise me and I made him like that... Ugh, the guilt keeps rising! 

"Shit!" I mess my hair and squat. Goddammit, I made a mistake... Shit, I want to go back tell him I'm sorry. Its been a while since I talk to him because of my pride. 

I miss him so much and I want him in my arms, hold him and cherish him while calling me in my name but fuck... I made it worse

"Damn it, damn it" 

"oi Tsukishima, what are doing here?" Kuroo show up with Kenma in his back glaring at me

_Our plan must be working_

"nothing, I just messed up big time" oh yeah right, we have to act together if he's here but... For now, I don't want to.

"I'll get going first" I'll just talk to Yamaguchi tomorrow. I don't want to spend another day without him. I can't take that. I hope he won't get mad after what I did

It's starts raining now and when I look at the sky, its really dark and I don't know why but I got a sudden chill. I just brush it off when I saw to a TV store about stars and a certain image of a person smiling at me appear in my mind

"I miss, Freckles" 


	8. Tired of Everything

I should just keep my distance... But its like a curse that I couldn't do anything when he comes and every plan I make tears apart... This is our first real big fight and I don't know what to do 

  
Soulless, I go to my house and lay all night on my bed... I didn't mind my hunger and I can't sleep cause my mind keeps wandering... I'm thinking a lot of things

  
_When will this end?_

  
Haa~, I don't want to think... Or feel anymore... I'm so tired of everything... I just want to rest now, so let me sleep. I've been fighting for my feelings till now and I just realised how much time I waste doing it. It was a trash, a useless thing... And now I'm tired

  
Suddenly, I feel something wet in my cheeks and next thing I knew, I was crying so loud in my bed

  
It really hurt... The pain was unbearable... I can't take too much of this anymore... I want to stop yet I can't... I'm the worst... Ahh, my head hurts. I don't know how to think anymore... I want to die

  
"i want to disappear" 

  
_Shit, this tears won't stop coming_

  
"stop it, you stupid tears! Stop falling!" so tired I go to my bathroom and look at my ugly reflection and madly punch the mirror as it pieces fall in the sink and I saw my self in pieces

  
_I can't bear this pain anymore... I want this to stop... If I can't undo it... Better stop it_

  
I pick one big piece of mirror and clench my fist as the blood flows and its funny how I can't feel pain from it but instead in my chest. Suddenly I remember his last words to me and point it at my wrist

  
The person I love the most wants me dead, then I'm better be dead then... And in this way I can be free from this sad love of mine that bring me nothing but pain and suffering 

  
I point it at my wrist and strongly grip on it that bloods coming from my wrist I made a cut but its not too deep cause by my hand shaking and my tears flowing now I can't clearly see on things and this time I point it in my neck, in this way I'll surely die from it

  
But before pressing it my memories of Tsukki flood in my and I can't stop but crying while slowly pressing my hand into my throat

  
_This is the only way to stop this hell_

  
I was about to stab myself when my door swing open and show Hitoka with fear in her face and run to me and get the glass from my hand then throw it outside. She hug me so tight and I can feel her hands trembling 

  
And once again, I cry from her arms, this is the only thing that could soothe me everytime I had a breakdown. Its raining outside and I'm shouting so loud till my throat hurts and I scream till all words dry out

  
I keep on wishing that someone stop this sad love of mine cause its killing me but only hug and silence the thing I could receive 

  
"Yachi, it really hurts... I-I can't breath from all the flowers growing inside me" 

  
"breath... You're going to be okay, just breath, Yamaguchi. You've been hurt and scarred all this time, and survive the pain. I know, it feels too unbearable right now, but keep breathing... Your fight are over... Stop this torture" she said to me to comfort me

  
"everything will end soon" 

  
"say, Hitoka. If I throw everything away, forgotten everything, live a normal life without crying... would living be easier that way? I can't do things like that... Ahh, my chest... Its hurting again" I breath a lot of air and clench my chest cause the pain are kicking in again... I feel like dying now

  
"shh, its okay" she rock me again like a baby while patting my shoulder 

  
"if I remove my heart string... How could I find my heart again?... How could find my love again?" 

  
"Its hard to find but I know, one day you will" she said in low tone

"I never wish for anything before but him, I did all things for him, I prove myself so I could be beside him... All I wanted in my life is him and nothing else" Hours past by and we're still on the floor but I calm down now. Hitoka still hugs me tight while rocking me like a baby but she's still trembling and she felt so cold

  
"Yamaguchi, please no matter what happens, don't take your life... Its not the only way to stop the pain" 

  
"then how, Hitoka? How... Almost throughout my whole life I spend my life loving him and living the hell alone, I don't even know what I'm fighting for?... I'm tired at everything and I want the pain to stop... I feel like I'm going crazy about it" 

  
"but if you die, think about the consequences you will face" I know, that... I know, that but I'm willing to kill myself to stop the pain and it is what Tsukki wants

  
"if you die, you won't remember Tsukki anymore. If you die you won't remember those feelings you have for him and you will suffer more at the After-life" 

  
"but he's the one who want me dead..." she was shock to hear that from me and I saw her small fist ball in anger

  
"And he act as if I'm a stranger, I know the plan was to keep distance but... it's better to be dead than to be treated like that" we have a moment of silence and all I can hear was the rain and our heart beat, its dark in here and the only source of light was the dining room 

  
"nee, Yamaguchi, how about living far from here and start anew?... How about removing that thing than killing yourself... I know, I lost my ability to love but I still care for you *sobs* you're my friend so please don't leave me because of some stupid jerk *sobs* I'm begging you" I know, that Hitoka was a scared-cat and fear a lot of things and now that I'm used to her being strong and cold feels different... And Hitoka don't cry because of some simple things and seeing her like this now breaks my heart

  
This only proof that human can still care even without those things. She hugs me tightly, as if I'm going anywhere and cry silently 

  
"I'm sorry, Yachi" I stroke her hair as she wipe those tears away. I smiled to her but really it's just a show for now

"don't be sorry and promise me you won't do this thing again!" she looks really sad and tears continue to fall from his eyes. She holds my hand and grip hard to it, the view right now makes the heavy feeling to rise up again

"yes, I promise" this time it's me who's hugging her. I'm doing this for now for my final act of kindness to her. 

I comfort her and when she's done. She immediately let go of me and stand up to get the first aid kit to treat the wound in my hand and neck. While doing that I can feel her hands still shaking and the sadness in her eyes looking at the wounds

Don't worry, Yachi. This will be the last time that I will do this to myself cause the next time will be the real thing 

Smiling to myself, I hug Yachi and hold her tight

_I'm tired of crying, running... From everything... I want to end everything_

"Thank you, Yachi, for being with me when I need you the most. Thank you, for being my friend... I hope you find your true love" this is my first and last wish for someone other than tsukki and for the last person I will see. I tighten my hug to her, like squeezing her small body

"really thank you" I whisper to her

"don't say it as if you're going anywhere" 

"yep, cause I am!" I said to her and show her my most cheerful smile

"tomorrow, I'll stop working in the company and will go somewhere far from here... I want to stop this and that is the easiest way" yup, somewhere very far that no one can see me. The pain is unimaginable and unbearable 

When I said that she smile at me and once again, I see the old Yachi that I know. She happily hug me

"then me too! I don't want to work in the office anymore! So ill come with you!" she happily said while brushing her face on my chest. I move her face away and look at her 

"then go back to your house and prepare everything cause I will do that too" I'm sorry Yachi but it's a place where no one can go easily unless you are determined and I can't bring you there. I want you to be happy and I want to literally end everything... 

She stands up and I show her the way out "then, I'll come back here tomorrow morning... Please don't do anything dangerous now" 

"okay!" I cheerfully said to her but really I don't feel anything right now. I feel dead... I close the door when she turn her back at me and go to my room and write something in my diary and place it in my desk 

Still feeling empty, I hum happily while setting everything for my death. I get a chair and rope to tie it on the ceiling and made sure it will hold strong

When I'm done, I saw my reflection on my mirror. I'm smiling but tears are flowing into my eyes. There's no longer light in my eyes... Its the eye of a dead person. I look like that while holding the rope

I'm sorry Yachi. I know, I promise to you but I can't do that. I'm tired of everything and want to end it. I'm sorry for making you feel sad and burden... But I will end everything now

I'm not afraid to die at this point cause nothing better than this. I'm gonna be free after this... No more suffering, no more pain but I wish that I make up with Tsukki. I want to see him but his presence is the only thing that hurt me

Just thinking about him floods a lot of memories about him... When we're still a child until we become adult and experienced lots of things... I can't help but smile to it and cry silently 

I hope he will be happy with Kuroo-San, I hope he won't hurt him and treat him better. I hope Tsukki will get along with Hinata and Kageyama now, I hope he will made lots of friends, I hope... I hope he's happy that his wish did came true

I want nothing but the best for you, Tsukki but I wish that the best thing for you was me

If ever I granted another life, I wish to be on Tsukki's side again... And I'll make sure at that time to tell him what I truly feels and will never let his hand go... I did a lot of mistake in my life now... So I want to correct all of if there's a next life

I put the rope in my neck and it woerd that I don't feel scared putting in my neck instead I feel happy now that everything will come to and end

"Tsukki, I love you and I always will... I wish nothing but for you to be happy and healthy" closing my eyes I jump in my chair as the rope tighten around my neck

It hurts but nothing hurts more than the thing in my chest. My body squirm as I slowly losing my consciousness and the air can't pass through. My sight gets blurred and I feel sleepy and I can see light that came from nowhere 

_Sayonara, Tsukki_


	9. Star disappear

**HITOKA POV**

I'm happy that he said that yesterday. That he will stop from loving Tsukishima and get away from him. I'm so excited and didn't get enough of sleep. I already prepared everything for my leaving and now I'm going to Yamaguchi 

When I'm infront of his house I happily barge in when I open the door, the house was oddly quiet and dark, I'm getting worried and look for Yamaguchi but when I call his name no one respond and I start to feel scared 

I run immediately to his room and drop everything in my hand and fell on my knees 

"Aaaaaaah!!" I scream when I found him hanging on the ceiling lifeless. I cried very hard while screaming

"why?! You promise me! You promise me you won't leave me!! So why?!!" you promise me that, why you did that again?! Is that guy worth your precious life!? 

The last memory I have with him and his hug yesterday, I remember it all, and his words and starts crying really hard. 

_I didn't know it's his last words, he looks so happy yesterday... I thought everything was settled but it's not_

"why?! Aaaaah!! Yamaguchi" I cried and cried until I heard something came inside and saw it was Hinata at the end of the hallway 

"Yachi, what happened?!" he rush to me and notice Yamaguchi's lifeless body hanging at the ceiling I can see the horror in his face and immediately call ambulance. He then hug me and avoid for me to see the body

"Its okay, Yachi... Its okay" his voice was shaking and his body was trembling, he was crying too. That's all we did after seeing his body hanging lifeless

Later on some ambulance came and I still look into space while I'm holding the notebook the officer give to me. They put down his body and cover it. I couldn't help but cry earlier and mourn for him silently while Hinata still can't get over from what happened and stay silent for long time

It's lunch time now when we call Yamaguchi's parent and relay the message about what happened to their son and over the phone, I can hear her mother breakdown and I can't avoid but cry and now where here in hospital looking at Yamaguchi's dead body

I lost the ability to love and I lost my dear friend because of one person. I feel like I can kill anyone right now because of my anger but from all the heavy emotion I feel, I wanna collapse 

  
**THIRD PERSON POV**

  
Later that day, the incident happen that night came out in the news and when everyone see the people who died in that feels bad and mourns

Tsukishima look at the news. The moment he saw Yamaguchi's name He fell on his knees while still looking on the TV can't believe to what happened. He feels like there's a big hole form into his heart

"Yama... Guchi?"


	10. His Greatest wish

A funeral held for Yamaguchi and all the close friends and family attend the ceremony. No one dares to speak but sobs overwhelm the silence. Sadness was all written in their faces but mostly Tsukishima felt he was dead so as Hitoka but anger overwhelmed inside of her

  
Lots of people cry mostly the family of Yamaguchi. Hitoka was tired of crying and just look at the tomb with dead expression and grip hard on the notebook Yamaguchi give

  
When the ceremony finished and people leaves except for the three person. Hitoka angrily march towards Tsukishima and slap him

  
"that's for hurting, Yamaguchi!" she shout at him and the tears she was trying so hard to hold, fall into her eyes and slap him again

  
"that's for not noticing his suffering!" Tsukishima didn't mind what she was doing to him and just accept those slap

"and that's for taking my friend!" she slap him for the last time

  
"are you happy now? You wish him dead, right? And now it happens... I'm sure you're celebrating inside of you, right now!" she sarcastically said to him but he stay silent and listen to those words

  
"Yachi, that's too much" Hinata stop her but she only slap away his hand from her

  
"too much? This guy was too much! He hurt Yamaguchi! He took him away!!" Hinata hug Hitoka as she cry in his arms

  
"do you know what happened before the disaster strikes? He was trying to kill himself cause you want him dead" Hitoka said. Her hatred towards Tsukishima was unbearable and try to rise and cause a commotion but she stop herself of having urge to choke Tsukishima to death. Even though the slap she did earlier didn't give some pain into him, those words are like a knife pierce into him for thousands of time and blame himself in his mind and didn't dare to raise his head

  
"he wants to give this to you... Just so you know, Yamaguchi thinks you till his last breath even you want him dead" Hitoka hand the notebook that is burn in some part and wipe her tears 

  
"I hope you will know, how much Yamaguchi suffer when he loves you, when you read this" to that she walk away and as the couple follow her, leaving Tsukishima there standing and look at the notebook in his hands

  
After staying there for a bit, he decide to go home and read the notebook silently, as all the emotions Yamaguchi pour into that book rush to him and make him cry so loud that his family get worried about him but let him be

  
Every words was written with heavy emotions, he remove his glasses and cry but the tears won't stop falling and his chest was hurting from knowing the truth about Yamaguchi's feelings which he regret not noticing and said a lot of sorry when he said those words to him before

  
But one part of his notebook gives him a big wave of pain. It's the last page... The last page Yamaguchi write for the last time

  
 ** _"hey, Tsukki! I'm sure when you read this I'm no longer. I just want to say goodbye to you for the last time... You know, what Tsukki. I'm really really mad at myself for loving you... I love you so much that it hurts... The pain it cause me for lovi g you was unbearable, that's why I end it... I don't regret it though but I want to say sorry to Yachi. She comforts me when I first try to kill myself and promise to her but I broke it... I know, she feels bad and sad if she saw my body hanging in my room"_ **Tsukishima notice a stain at the corner of the paper and realise it was his tear while writing this

_**"nee, Tsukki... Do you remember the story our teacher said to us when we are Grade schoolers? The story about the Mountain, The moon and the cat? I guess, I get it now... No wonder why those cats are so attracted to the moon... Must be one of the reasons why Kuroo-San was attracted to you and look at each others eyes... While I just stare at you from a far like a mountain... Steady and can't turn away... You said before that I'm the star, I don't know why you said that but I will never be like that, I will never be beside you... Not now that you're with someone else... I regret it so much... But I love you, so I'll keep my distance now... Well, I will try though its really hard... When you're with him, I saw lots of new things about you... It hurts to know, that you will never look at me the way you look at him... The way I look at you... But it was always like that... Mountains are supposedly look at the moon from far...when I'm with you new flowers grow inside me... Its so beautiful, like a garden... But they're killing me" He flip to another page that contains some wishes of Yamaguchi, wishes that will never became true** _

  
_**"if wishing on the star makes everything came true, I want my wish to be true... And wish my wish to be same things as you, so I won't suffer... I don't want any of this... But if I didn't meet you... I would never feel such beautiful feelings yet deadly... I would never experience such heartwarming things but tragic"** _

_**"Tsukki, I always thought that you are the Moon while I'm the mountain... But now we symbolizes two things and that other is... You are a salt and I'm a wounded person... Everytime I'm with you, everytime I touch you, those wounds I triy so hard to heal hurts so much"** _

  
"..." he can't bring himself to say anything about it but thinking that if his existence hurt him, and if he only knew about that, he's the one who make a move and get away from him... He flip the page and there was written in the Cardboard... It has their picture when they were highschool and beside it was Yamaguchi's biggest wish 

" ** _All I Wanted was you"_**


	11. His Last Sorry

It's night now and he's still crying in his desk. He go out to get some air and calm his self. He look at the dark sky and remember Yamaguchi's smile. He can't help but smile so sad as the tears escape from his eyes

  
"there's no stars..." 

  
**Tsukishima POV**

  
Another morning... Its just the start of the day but I feel like it's ending... I wear appropriate attire I'm visiting Yamaguchi now... Its been three days since that happened and I can't still move on from it... Everything happen so fast that I didn't expect anything of it happens 

  
I drive to the cemetery and buy flowers on the way. I spend most of my day here now... Its still hard to accept this but it happens now and I can't turn back the time

  
"hey, Yamaguchi, I read your diary... Some words there are very cringe but you're lucky cause I continued it, you know I hate those sweet words... But I didn't know you have that kind of feelings towards me.." I touch his gravestone and place the candle in the side then put the flowers on the small vase

  
"if I only I knew those feelings sooner, maybe you are here with me... I'm sure we're happy now" I know, I'm like a crazy person talking to a dead now but this is the only thing I could now to him what I really feels

  
"when we are in High school, Yamaguchi... And one time you act so cool by waking up some sense in me... I didn't realise, I start to have feelings from you, and before I knew it, I'm acting so mean towards you cause I can't hide my feelings... Cause I'm afraid, that I can't control myself if I touch you or hold your hands... " even though you always act so weak and pathetic and you have some freckles on the face... If only you knew that those ugly things, are the things I like to you the most

  
"I really like you that time... And when you start to change and stand on your feet, I starting to see you as a cool guy and before I know it 'like' becomes 'love'... And suffer the Hanahaki..." 

  
"it worsen when we got in this company and meet Yachi... Man, that girl slap some senses to me in your funeral... I thought that you have feelings for her because of your action, so I tried to stop this feelings and look on the other things... And that's when I met Kuroo" that half-eye cat that approach me with something on his sleeves 

  
"but now he get what he wants, he broke up with me... The only reason we stay in relationship is because, so he can get Kenma. The real person he fell in love... But I think, that was wrong to do and I hurt you" 

_That was our plan for Kenma but in return he will help me with you but... I did something so stupid with him... A gravely mistake... I did an act that I should oppose_

"remember the time when you ask what type of person I like? I'm describing you back there. I'm really happy when you ask me about that cause I feel like somethings up with you that concerns with me" but even though I mean all of it as you, it create a misunderstanding again and hurt you

"that's why I'm sorry for hurting you... I didn't mean to do that" I cried again... I should never do that, if this is the result... I didn't want all of this... None of this... If only I tell you everything sooner, none of this happen

I mean, to tell you everything about what's happening between me and Kuroo but what am I to you? I'm just your salty friend... But when I introduce him to you everything change about you... The Bright Yamaguchi I know became dark... Like a night sky without stars 

  
I notice something on the day we fight but those words of yours hurt me and say some mean words to you... I feel hurt when you say you want us to be strangers... It feels like, you regret meeting me but the truth is I also want to say sorry to you when I said those words but I'm too late... I'm always too late 

  
"I'm sorry, I didn't really know that I'm hurting you when I'm mean *sobs* but it's my way to hide my feelings! I'm sorry, for not noticing your feelings sooner and hurt you! I'm sorry for leaving you that day! I'm sorry for my words! I didn't mean to say that, I'm so sorry... "I start scratching the ground and cry so hard

  
_Ever since your death, stars don't show in the sky... It never show, not once... Even just one spark, there is nothing..._

  
"I'm sorry for everything that I did... I'm sorry... So please get up there and show those feelings to me... I'm begging you! Please don't leave me here... Alone" I give up on digging some dirt and punch the ground while crying so hard and let out all the pain

  
"please don't leave the moon in the sky all alone" 

  
**Third person POV**

  
As Tsukishima was crying so loud in front of Yamaguchi's grave. His soul appear and see the grieving Tsukki... He smile so sad when he hearing all those confession Tsukki made

  
Tsukishima starts coughing white flowers and it worsen the pain it gives in his chest but he didn't mind it

  
"Aaaaah!! Please get up there!! Yamaguchi! I'm sorry for what I did!! So please get up!" Tsukki cry and cry but nothing's happening. Yamaguchi walk closer to him and hug the grieving Tsukki. Tsukki feels the warm but can't see anything 

  
Yamaguchi whisper even though he can't hear him

  
_"Gomen, Kei"_


End file.
